What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
