Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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