Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
