Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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