I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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