I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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