You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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