whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
