I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
