Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
