Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
