Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
