The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
