i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
