Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
