If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
