Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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