I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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