Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
