I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
