I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
