the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It's never too late to be topless.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We have started to decorate penises.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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