There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
organizing the empties. That sober.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
