college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
