I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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