If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
