So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
as a side note pls kill me
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