I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
