No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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