Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
