pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
