just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
