He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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