i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
