I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
