We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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