After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
