If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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