that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
