I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
