I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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