I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
