My liver just broke up with me...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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