i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
ttyl tear gas
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
