I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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