I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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