I want to make a zoo with you.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
