his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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