I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Life is so much better after having sex.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
