Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
